If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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