my vag is so smooth its legendary
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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