I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
