I faked an abortion last night.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize