Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
