there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
