i think i scared a bird with my dick
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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