I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
