me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
