I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
