weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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