just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
