I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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