You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
