she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
