Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
