tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
