i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
