She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize