You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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