she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
