Where did you get a picture of my penis
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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