There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
