Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm like, not good at living.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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