Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
