My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I want her autograph on my taint
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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