I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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