She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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