that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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