Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
