Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
