I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
