I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
