i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
as a side note pls kill me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
