I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I want to fling myself into the sun
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
