my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
