my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
