are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
