ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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