Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
