remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
