and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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