Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I am naked and annoyed.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
