Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
