Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
