woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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