i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
