Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
