he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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