I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
