I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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