he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i out mim tonsoeep
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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