You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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