i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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