apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
