I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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