Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
wow bdsm is so cute
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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