you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm at about main and main street
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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