He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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