I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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