I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
