Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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