please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
