If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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