sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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