Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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