Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
