i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
