The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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