do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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