i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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