in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
