Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
