I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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