I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
