Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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